i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I don't deserve a penis
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize