Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
