i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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