Too much gin, very little bucket
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
3pm strippers are depressing
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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