I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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