From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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