1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
