3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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