ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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