In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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