Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize