Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
