Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I just blew my weed a kiss
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
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