if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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