Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
