so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
