my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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