When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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