batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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