How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
