you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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