I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
