i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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