i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
