just come out here and I will go home with you...
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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