Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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