I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
