So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
