you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
