there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
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