I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
