saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
