This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
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