i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
