Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
why is half of my head shaved?
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
