My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
