apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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