My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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