Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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