he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Randomize