so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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