Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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