His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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