guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize
