He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
ok first of all what the fuck
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
