The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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