I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
