woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
sarcasm needs its own font
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
