I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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