fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
