Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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