my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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