I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
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