honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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