Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Randomize
