Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
