did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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