I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Randomize