if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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