life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
