I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
