Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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