I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
