her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
